Before the mistake
by annaPanag
Summary: An one shot starting the day Scarlett visited the mills for the first time after Bonnie's birth. What if she had reacted to Ashley's insinuatons differently? Read review and make me happy please!


_Hello again dear friends, readers and followers!_

_This is a one shot about the infamous scene, (right now it's my favorite of the book! What a pity we didn't get to see her in the movie too!) where Scarlett visits the mills for the first time after Bonnie was born. What if she had reacted differently to Ashley's insinuations? _

_The sentences in bold are taken word for word from M M's "Gone with the Wind"_

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately I own nothing._

_As always review and make me happy please!_

Before the mistake.

"**He is coarsening you! He had taken you, who you were so sweet and generous and gentle and he had brutalized you!" Ashley said,**

"**Who had whatted me?" Scarlett bewildered asked,**

"**Your…Rhett Butler…" He stammered again, "Everything he touches he poisons. And when I am thinking of him touching you…I am telling you I can't bear it!"**

"**He is going to kiss me!" Scarlett ecstatically thought, "And it won't be my fault!"**

Ashley was going to kiss her, by his own initiative, without her provoking him at all! She left the sense of triumph to wash over her. It was beyond her wildest imagination, it was a dream coming true!

She had come to the mills, roughly two months after her youngest child had been born because she missed Ashley. She had hoped that she would be able to see him, but she hadn't let herself hope of seeing him alone. Usually too many things happened in a lumber's mill, customers came by, and she was sure that Ashley would be too busy to deal with her. But she would get to see him and she was so deeply in love with him that even that was enough.

Now, despite all odds, here she was, alone with the man of her dreams, locked in the office they shared. And above all he was talking to her, really talking to her, not as a business associate, not as a childhood friend, not with the polite courtesy he manifested since her marriage with Rhett.

She hadn't felt so close to him since…she really couldn't remember, probably since before that damned barbeque party when she threw herself to him and almost destroyed their chaste holy love.

Almost, because such a love could never die!

Suddenly every other thought was erased by her mind. She didn't care about the money loss, or the pitiful state she found her business in. Ashley still found her sweet and generous, he still loved her! Only that mattered.

Deep down, she knew that his assumptions weren't exactly right. Rhett had nothing to do with her love for money nor her decision to hire the convicts. In fact, many times he had expressed his opposition to Gallaher's ways. He had called him a bastard and her a fool for trusting him. But Ashley didn't know all these and still regard her as the lady her mother had taught her to be and she still was in the depths of her heart. And the lady she was going to be once more when she would have enough money to feel secure.

Yes, Rhett had enough money. And more. But somehow the money from the mills were different. They were hers. Her pride, her success, her biggest happiness.

She giggled. After all another black mark on Rhett's already marked reputation wouldn't harm him! But she needed Ashley's love and admiration to go on.

She threw back her head and closed her eyes to receive his kiss. His first kiss after so long. When was the last time they had been kissed? She tried to remember…

Yes, at Tara's orchard just before she came to Atlanta to ask Rhett the 300 hundred dollars.

She didn't like that particular memory. It made her feel so embarrassed, so…cheap. She had humiliated herself that time by insinuating to elope and leave for Mexico and therefore she had decided to never talk that way to Ashley again. But this time was different. He had talked to her, he wanted to kiss her. He could never blame her.

Surely his love for her was so strong that he couldn't restrain himself anymore, Scarlett thought full of excitement and allowed herself to relax. Instantly her mind was full of passionate, maddening, breath-taking kisses and warm embraces. But there was a problem. It was Rhett's lips that send shivers to her spine, Rhett's strong arms that were holding her tightly and made her feel heavenly.

She shook her head to make the unholy thoughts disappear. _What's wrong with me? _She wondered with sincere embarrassment. How was it even possible to think of Rhett when her Ashley was about to kiss her?

Surely, it was because her husband was the only person she had seen or talked to for the last six months, she tried to comfort herself. In reality Rhett and Melly were her only companions during her convalescence. She hated what pregnancy did to her figure and she didn't want people see her in such a state, let alone Ashley. So she was grateful for the South's unwritten laws which obliged her to stay at home, although she knew that boredom would drive her to destruction.

With the dogged determination that always characterized her she forced herself to concentrate on memories with her shared life with Ashley. Their long walks beside Tara's river with him talking to her about poetry, the parties they attended together, their dances the first time she confessed her love at the last barbeque at the Twelve Oaks, their farewell to Aunt Pitty's parlor that Christmas before Atlanta's siege.

All those memories left a bitter taste in her mouth. She didn't have one absolutely happy memory with Ashley. Not a single one! Always something stood between them. Society's rules, his wife and above all his honor. He couldn't surpass the obstacles that kept them apart. Or better, if Scarlett wanted to be sincere with herself, he didn't want to surpass the obstacles.

All of a sudden her eyes were full of tears.

But now nothing of those really mattered, she comforted herself. Now Ashley's kiss would change everything, it would erase any other memory. She would never want to be kissed by anyone else, he would never want to be kissed by anyone else. If only they could remain loyal to each other!

She closed her eyes again and waited with anticipation his kiss.

But the moment passed and no kiss from Ashley came.** Scarlett opened her eyes just to see him withdrawing from her once more, as if realizing he had said too much- said things he never intended to say.**

"**I apologize most humbly Scarlett. I have been insinuating that your husband is not a gentleman but my own words have proved that I am not one. No one has the right to criticize a man to his wife. I have no right!"**

Scarlett went mad as she was seeing him crushing her hopes once more. _You have every right. You are the love of my life!_ She wanted to yell and run and hide in his arms, kissing him as she had never kissed him before.

But somehow she restrained herself. It was no use, she realized. She had done it before and it had been of no use. Nothing could make him forget his honor. He would probably withdraw even more from her, he would return to the polite friendliness of the years before.

Scarlett realized that Ashley would never kiss her by his own initiative. She also realized that she should be devastated, heartbroken. But, really, she couldn't bring herself to care. Actually it didn't matter. It didn't matter one bit!

Suddenly it was as if the spell had been broken.

She didn't feel disappointed anymore. The feeling that dominated her was relief. She felt as if the chains fell down of her and she was free after too many years.

Rhett wouldn't react that way, she unwittingly mused and the thought made her blush to the roots of her hair. Rhett would grab her in his arms and wouldn't let her go until she would accept his point of view, she thought remembering the day he proposed. She tried to imagine Ashley doing all the things Rhett was doing to her, as she used to do during her honeymoon in New Orleans.

She couldn't do it. The thought seemed ridiculous.

Ashley would never behave that way. Even if he wasn't married to Melanie. He just wasn't…he just wasn't Rhett.

Scarlett felt so confused. She didn't know what to think anymore.

Everything was changed. Utterly changed.

She turned her attention to the ledgers, which were still open in front of them. Long series of numbers always helped her calm her tight nerves. Not this time, though. She tried to concentrate but her heart was beating so fast and her head was pounding. She felt she was about to faint.

She could only hear Ashley whining about how poorly Gallaher treated the convicts, how far they had come from the perfect life they led before the war, how he would prefer to starve again as all their friends did and keep his dignity.

Scarlett felt her Irish temper flaring again. How dare he insult and abase her that way! She had heard the same scolding a million times before from every member of Atlanta's Old guard and she never paid any attention to them. They didn't know her, they couldn't understand her. But Ashley's words cut her deeply. He knew her to the depths of her heart, he was the only person she had opened her heart to. How couldn't he understand her reasoning?

Sometimes she felt guilty too, but she had to survive! She would do anything, no matter how cruel in order to secure her family's financial stability.

How can he love me if he doesn't understand my mind? She wandered for the first time. She didn't have the answer to that question.

_He sees nothing more to me than a pretty face!_ It was the ugly truth and she forced herself to accept it._ I am not going to deny reality as he does. I can't live in a dream and pretend that everything is as it used to be like all these cowards who do nothing other than criticize me. I have faced many hard times in my life I am going to survive this time too!_ She bemused and suddenly she felt more confident and strong than she had felt in years.

She felt a mean desire to tell Ashley the truth all the things she had done in order to survive, all her small and big malpractices and sins, just to see his reaction if he knew who she really was, just to see if he was going to leave and outcast her as every other member of the old guard had already done.

Suddenly even revenge didn't really matter. Ashley was nothing more than a stranger, a polite indifferent acquaintance of years long ago past. Who cared what he thought of her?

She didn't know what to think but she knew only one thing for sure: that she wanted to leave. As far away from Ashley as possible.

She grabbed the ledgers and with as much nonchalance as she could muster she said to a dumbfounded Ashley: "I will take them with me and checked them at home. I will leave them to Melly! You can take them from her. Goodbye!"

Ashley felt that, for some unknown reason, Scarlett was lost for him forever. A familiar feeling of failure dominated him once more but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. It was his fate and he had already accept that.

Scarlett breathlessly ran towards her carriage. With every step she took, she felt more and more free. She was sure that leaving Ashley behind was a right choice.

"Where are we going now, Mrs Butler? Isaak the driver Rhett had hired for her whereabouts after their marriage asked and the answer instantly shaped in her mind. She had to go home. The most amazing was the fact that for the first time in her life by "home" she didn't meant Tara. She needed to go home, to Rhett.

Rhett was her husband and her best friend. He was the only one who could ease her fears, who could calm her troubled mind, who could make her laugh with her worries too and forget her distress. He was the only person on the face of the earth who know her so well, sometimes more…well than she would prefer. She was unable to lie to him, he always found out and then he refused to comply. It was unfair, no gentleman should treat a lady that way!

The problem was that today she couldn't share her problems with him. She knew very well that he was never willing to hear her talking about Ashley or the mills. Undoubtedly, this time would be no exception.

She wished she could understand that man. But despite the fact that they had been married for something more than two years, she had to admit that she didn't know him any better than she did when he escorted her with his carriage while she was married to Frank.

Even less now, she unwittingly admitted. Then they were at least friends. He used to tease her of course, but he was kind and attentive and always willing to help.

Now though, his mood changed so quickly and she couldn't understand why. The one moment he was the most caring, loving husband and the other he turned to a polite but indifferent and sometimes hostile stranger. He never revealed his thoughts to her, in fact he never even treat her as a person. She always had the feeling that she was his entertainment, his pet as he used to say.

She used to think that he treated her that way because he didn't love her. Two months ago she would also say that he was unable to love anyone else but himself. But now she knew that that wasn't the case. Because she had seen Rhett Butler falling in love. Utterly and eternally. With his baby daughter.

At the thought of Rhett with their child she felt the familiar now sting of jealousy. And as always a wave of remorse followed. What kind of a person, a woman, a mother would be jealous of her own child? She was so ashamed of herself. What her almost saint mother would think of her if she knew she was jealous because her husband loved their children?

It was the same feeling that made her suffocate in her own home. She hsd needed a diversion. The mills seemed the obvious choice.

When she announced to Rhett her decision to visit the mills he didn't seem to care. Or at least that's what he let her believe. She was afraid that he would propose to escort her at her trip there, and she didn't want it because it would mean that she wouldn't have any alone time with Ashley and she got herself ready for a fight. When he didn't show any interest at all and simply returned to his daughter's side she felt terribly miserable. This polite indifference was worse than his meanest remarks. She started to miss his teasing, even his barbs because she now realized that they were his way of showing that he cared. She hadn't appreciated his caring until it was abruptly lost or better just transferred from the wife to the daughter.

All the fun she had experienced in her life with Rhett had vanished. She felt always irritated, as if she missed something and she couldn't find peace.

She was sure she knew what she missed. The true love of her life, Ashley. She wasn't sure anymore. She shook her head. She just didn't want to think more of it.

Once at home Scarlett ran to hide at her bedroom, grateful for the fact it was still early and her husband surely be at his office at the bank. She wasn't ready to face him yet and in reality she didn't want to see another living soul for the next few hours. She climbed the stairs and she was crossing the corridor when she heard giggles coming from the nursery.

Scarlett suddenly couldn't surpass a smile. Her Bonnie would be up by now, she bemused. It was the first time she was separated from her daughter for so many hours since the day she was born and she discovered with sincere surprise that she already missed her. Unable to surpass a wave of maternal love she stormed into the nursery, expecting to find her children playing with Lou, the new nanny.

She opened the door but she stood dead in her tracks when she found her husband there. Rhett was sitting next to Bonnie's cradle holding Ella in his lap while playing a rather silly game with Wade which the boy always seemed to enjoy immensely.

She didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry. Has ever been another man as silly with children as her husband? She seriously doubt that!

"Hello Rhett" she said standing at the threshold. It was ridiculous, after all she was the children's mother, but sometimes she felt she couldn't invade the universe he was sharing with them.

He barely drew his attention from the game. "You came early, my pet" he drawled "Your rendezvous at the mills didn't evolve as you planned? " he nonchalantly asked, without even raising his eyes to look at her.

Scarlett was furious. How on earth did he know that? How was it possible to read her so well without making any effort? Why couldn't see ever tell what was going on in his mind? It was so irritatingly unfair!

Scarlett didn't know what to tell to him. She knew she couldn't lie. He would instantly found out, but she didn't want to tell him what happened either. She couldn't bear his mocking full of satisfaction smile. Ashley's failures always amused him.

So she didn't make a sound. She fought an urge to flee because she didn't want to give him the pleasure of forcing her in retreat. With a scolding expression on her face, she cast her eyes down and just sat on the armchair at the other side of Bonnie's cradle. How beautiful her daughter was, she bemused with sincere pride.

When no answer from Scarlett came, Rhett's interest was finally picked. He drew his attention from what Wade was showing him and he looked his wife for the first time since she entered the room.

Scarlett had the pleasure to see a light flickering in his eyes, a light she hadn't seen in him for too many years, probably since the day he proposed.

His familiar mask of indifference seemed to be momentarily forgotten. With an interest that seemed sincere he asked "What happened at the mills, Scarlett?"

She wished she could really tell him, she wished they were still friends, as they were before their marriage, before things become so complicated between them. When she could tell anything to him without the fear of rejection and misunderstanding.

For some unknown reason she suddenly felt shy, as a girl with her first beau. Her mind was once again full of memories. She remember his strong arms tighten around her waist, his lips on her, sending shivers to her spine. She felt so heavenly in his arms, so secure so protected, as if nothing and no one could possibly harm her.

"Nothing," she mumbled, "Nothing new." She was sure she had already turned crimson. Damn! That's why she couldn't lie to him!

Scarlett noticed that the flickering distinguished from his eyes and his impenetrable mask was once more in place. He left a heavy sign and sat up.

"If you 'd excuse me now my pet, I have some business matters to attend to," he declared and took his leave. Suddenly he stopped and as if he had forgotten something he turned towards her and leaned in for their habitual goodnight kiss on the cheek. It was a new ritual established between them, since their daughter was born.

Scarlett, with her mind still on their passionate embraces of before, without thinking at all she turned her head towards him. As a result his lips didn't found her cheek as intended, but her mouth.

It lasted only a couple of minutes, but Scarlett felt instantly the same magnificent sentiment flooding inside her. And in a weird way it was even better but before.

For that brief period of time it was as if the whole world stood still.

She felt Rhett's strong body shivering. She wrapped her arms around his neck to prevent him from leaving her side.

But it was already late. Rhett had already taken a step back and he was holding her hands in his tightly forcing her to stay at an arm's length.

"Tell me Scarlett! What happened at the Mills? The truth this time" he ordered, but his voice now was tender. For the first time in their marriage's history she felt as if he was regarding her as a person, as an equal human being.

"What did he tell you? Did he upset you?" he asked and his anger was palpable. "The no good spineless coward! Why can't he make his mind at last?" He released his gasp but now it was Scarlett's hands that were holding his.

Her eyes were watering once more. "He doesn't worth mentioning, Rhett! He can't understand me, it is as if he doesn't know me at all. How could I ever thought he could really love me? It doesn't matter though, now," she said and as she spoke she felt more and more sure that he meant every word. It was as if the burden on her shoulders was starting to lighten. It felt heavenly.

The flame Scarlett saw burning inside her husband's eyes took her breath away. His hands were gasping hers so tightly now that she was afraid they were about to break.

"Say it again," he ordered.

"Ashley never loved me," she whispered "and it doesn't matter anymore." She said and rested her head on his chest. She was able to hear his heart pounding violently. _He must care for me_! she mused and the realization provoked a warm feeling in her heart. She couldn't name it because she had never felt it before. Anyway naming it wasn't important right now. They had all the time in the world to figure it out, together.

A new idea lit in her head. She gave him a dashing smile.

"Kiss me Rhett, please. Just kiss me" she pleaded with a soft voice.

Rhett let the breathe he was holding without realizing it. He laughed out loud. He took her in his arms and twirled her around.

"My dear Mrs Butler! Your word is my command! And heaven help us both!"


End file.
